i've never had to de-stress so much in my life.

driving the two miles to school is terrifying. i am incapable, shaking, vulnerable to swerves and surprise. i've never abused my body so. the portfolio, being ranked again in the heirarchy of poets - jesus! why do i work myself up? it's not the heirarchy of angels, one would never guess that the most stressful profession is to be a poet. oh i take that back. they die young, they commit suicide, they have heart attacks, they die of consumption, consumed by crawling life. it's so fucking intense and just awful. that's why during break i was so intent on escape, in getting high and sleeping. i want to sleep eternally. i just want each day over faster.

the thing is, we're all going through this, like zombies, banging around in our heads with individual twisters and fevers and illnesses, alone and miserable, never triumphant, it's never good enough, and even the best ones feel the worst.

i know, because i feel shitty, and a group of us were supposed to meet tonight for a discussion group, and when i called the organizer, he said he had just talked to jared and a few others who he said sounded like hell.

know, i know, full of confusion. i think i am being tested. all of this. i'm so wrapped up in this intense mental warp, and there's so much other better stuff going on outside, and inside, that i know i need to explore. i need to forget the bullshit, don't let it bother me. i am a great person and i don't need to hear others tell me. the difference is that here i don't have any cultural mirrors. i am femme, i'm just east coast, which makes me more aggressive and less willing to take shit and less afraid to express my opinion even if it is outrageous or offensive. yesterday i learned that there is a word for what i am fighting: the Workshop Waif. She's femme in that she's "unformed." She's a quiet, passive, shy, with enormous dark eyes asian girls and in two years she's rewarded for her containment with the publishing of her first book and tours and articles in the nyer. i've learned that i am not "unformed," which makes me look, well, more formed, with edges, and older.

i'm trying to start today positive. so i am going to the library, and i am going to class, and i am going to get what i need to do done, even if right now it sounds totally impossible, i am going to do it